still sad 10 years after divorce

Im not saying that you want vengeance or wish him wrong, but resentment is not a good feeling either, it hurts you more than it does him. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. I was married 30 years and it has been 3 since we separated and 2 since we divorced. I have tried to date, but it never works out. I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. We were supposed to do this together. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. I've done my best to move on, and finally now I'm in another wonderful relationship almost ten years later with a man who loves me as much and now I know how to be grateful but this man is not brilliant or wealthy or liberal like my ex. Thank you for this article. I have spoken to a lawyer and have all the supporting information. Below are some tips to help one know what to follow when divorce still hurts. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. God bless you! The hurt will never quite go away. Good behavior towards your ex will help you overcome the heartbroken experience that you have had all along for a long time. If you were meant to be with him you would be. Excellent article. Does he ever think of me? Apparently I get a F grade in moving on.. It affected my relationship with my children. 2019 Divorced Moms. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. However, there are plenty of ways to fight off the causes of depression, and a good support group will help you get through the worst parts of the divorce without it having a major impact on your life moving forward. But the pain lingers under the surface always. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. Every holiday my daughters have to divide the holidays, not just between us and in-laws, but us and the other us and the in-laws. We are none of us any one thing. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. Life is very cruel to people who do the right thing and the people who lie, cheat, steal and betray just seem to get on with life as if nothing has happened. Anger: Everything about your ex makes you angry. crying spells. I googled this lingering pain. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. 13+ years. I didn't know if I'd ever allow myself to fall in love again after my marriage ended but here I was. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. feelings of . Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). People can continue hurting because of the communications they still have after dissolving the marriage. My pain stems from a few things, pain left over from childhood (which I believe we all have to some degree) and pain from him leaving me without any real (as I saw it) truth for me to keep. No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. Sad. } And sadness. She is the single mother of two boys. I would have been able to still respect him. No tool and not even with time repairs. Even got the dogshe is small not big! Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. }] It is nice to know there are others out there besides me. Divorce at this point takes the order of the day. But this article said exactly the things that others cannot understand unless theyve experienced it. You may have to find. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. I had an amicable split, ex was unhappy & I miss him & the good times and I Harbor so much guilt for not being the wife I should've been. Ive heard his stories regarding his mother and her husband. She is very busy socially and at work. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. My career has suffered. I've been having a recurring dream every night for the past few weeks. a loss of appetite. from their father when they need us both. The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . 25 years gone after her affair. My life is so wonderful, so why the sadness; Im mostly content, why the emptiness? So when I need to cry, I just let it out. I am not happy but it still gives me joy to see my kids and grandkids and makes me smile. Ive heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. The final dagger was my grandparents will 23 years ago (which I had forgotten, never thinking anything like this would happen) giving me 20 acres of land in Indiana, inheritance is not included in divorce settlement. "@type": "Question", It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and you can still feel emotional weeks, months, and even years after you and your former partner have split. Its good to see Im not alone. So much collateral damage. He was my one and only love and there will not be another, whilst he has remarried a girl in SE Asia who is only 25 years old. I do hope this improves with time. Our daughter is getting married this year, to a lovely chap but my cynicism remembers the lovely young chap I put my faith and future in! Esters comment summed it up beautifully. ", Village historic. It is just there. You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. I have learned to livewith thepain but have not found many people that understand. My father died two weeks before she left . The world wants everyone to be over things. I thought I was going to be married for ever to the man I said my vows to through thick and thin, I never imagined it not lasting. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. I truly hope in 2018, I can have a clear mind and an open heart. As such, it is essential to take up to 4 years to allow complete healing before you start dating. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. I would say it was my fault she left for sure but she never would stay and go to counseling with me she just walked. Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it? "name": "Is moving on after divorce hard? Not all things cost money that you can do or see! I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. A lot of it hit home with me. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. But I really related to the authors comments about how many family traditions especially holiday celebrations have been irrevocably impacted. I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. I know what youre going through. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. Dont let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. The unearthing of secrets when, like a woman possessed, I became Miss Marple, Agatha Christie would have approved. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. And I have not been able to shake my own love for him, even though he hurt me so deeply. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. He took the get out of parenting free card. Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. And its hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my exs affair-partner-now-wife. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. If you continue drinking to avert suffering, then this will never help you to heal, and your emotions towards life will only worsen. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. So I hope and pray that she sees that Im a different man Ive worked on myself for five years and finally listen to the Lord and except no for a no from somebody . Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. No, I have not found someone else, but I knew I needed to find myself first. She left because she no longer wanted marriage and to go down the path we were heading e.g. That was 5 years ago. 1. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life. Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams! She got healed from the pain of leaving her marriage, and by the time they came back home, she was mentally prepared to start dating again since all her hurts were healed. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. Divorce can be hard on children but, equally, so can watching parents fight and endure a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids.". If you do find yourself feeling depressed, do not feel like you are alone and please seek medical advice immediately. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since theres no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with. 11. It hurts and brings confusion to the children. Do not bad mouth your partner to your children or your friends; this will only act as a catalyst to increase your anger. He stopped speaking to me full stop. We just needed to voice our shared experience. Divorce is hard on everyone. My ex husband left our family 7 years ago for my (single w/2 kids) friend. As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote. It truly helps to know Im not alone in this. Come discover on this free, award-winning website the two secrets 250,000 parents have used to save their money, make their own decisions, and create their better futures. The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). But, I was wrong. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. "@type": "Answer", As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. Then my dream ends, and I wake up crying. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. I became a shell of a person. Am I happy where I am now, DEFINITELY. I often hear wives say things like: "Sure, he's sorry . Im mostly happy, but the corners stay sad. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. I also recognize my own responses as a function of marital expectations formed in the way I was raised, and my vision for what constitutes family. Its pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. Help Is Here. For people who already live with depression . Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. Thank you for letting us with the dead dreams know were not alone on the days its sharp. I was too immature to realize that the man he was and our relationship was the hottest thing ever.